Who I am
I've been thinking a lot about why I blog.
Is it a way to process
a way to gain some sort of recognition or validation
is is simply a way to express myself in a new creative way
I think that it falls in and around all of these areas
I have days were I love blogging, it is so fun to create a space that speaks of who I am and what I love.
Other days if feels like its an obligation and I am posting because I dont know what else to do.
I am a pretty private person who is internally very shy.
If you knew me growing up you would know that I made my younger sister talk to any sales clerk because I was to scared to open my mouth or that the thought of counting money scared me to the point of just not buying what I wanted because I was scared I wouldn't be able to count the correct money back.
I am the person who has had to seek the lord daily to gain confidence in who I am, to be able to share and be vulnerable in order to come to a place where my fears and failures don't define me. I am still a work in progress, I would still rather wait until Marcus is home in order to do my grocery shopping. I dont want to go to a group gathering unless I know someone there. I rehearse potential conversations to make sure that I have something to say rather than be that painfully shy person in the corner. I have to consciously make sure I'm making eye contact while I'm talking to you.
But all things aside I think that this blog has become a place to process these fears. Once they are out in the open there is some sense of accountability. It is a way to challenge myself to continue to grow and become the confident woman I desire to be. The wife that can make her husband proud and the sister that doesn't rely on her little sister to check out for her because she is scared that whatever potential question may be asked by the clerk, she wont have an answer to.
I want to be in a place where the opinions of others don't define my actions. I feel like I am entering into that healthy place but it will continue to be a journey. I know that when or if we move I will be challenged all over again. Or when we have children, will I rely on my own intuition or will I let others opinons dictate the way I parent? These are questions that are good to have but in the end I know that it is a journey, one that I want to take day by day and during this process I want to be content. Fully and completely at peace.
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